Christian Blog: Irrevocably Beloved

For Jesus And For The Culture. . .Being Black, Christian and a Millennial In America

when a heart breaks

Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief” (Psalm 31:9, NIV)

I don’t really have anything elegant or quippy to say. I spent the past half hour scream-pray-singing “take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul, he’s in the waiting, he’s never failing.” There is a point where fear has to face the God you know.

What are my fears?

-primarily I’m high risk and preoccupied with thinking I’m gonna die from Covid

-my trauma history means I also often think of things happening to me again

-of not graduating

-of not passing the bar exam

-of not becoming a public defender

-of success

-of passing the bar on the first try

Who is the God I know?

-the God of rescue. Who has allowed me to live so many extra years…

-healer Who has allowed my lung function to recover

-friend who is sometimes the only one I can count on

-consistent doesn’t switch up his style or his look or his layout on me

-the God of final exams, who has brought to my memory obscure facts that made the difference in points

-the God of redemption who has given me purpose and made my life have meaning.

I can live with confidence that God goes before me but at the same time I struck with how do I know almost double digits of people who have died in past year. I am struck with the loss of the way things used to be. I am struck by the value those people gave the world and the knowlege that I do not yet bring anything to the table but enthusiasm. You say that you’re “close to the brokenhearted and [You rescue] those whose spirits are crushed” (Psalm 34:18, NLT). I’m not sure which I am right now or how to characterize what I’m feeling but I know that the Spirit intercedes on my behalf with utterings and groanings that I do not know. I can do my work today and the next right thing because I know who holds tommorow, even though I havent the faintest idea what lies ahead.