Hi y’all I started my second semester of law school a month ago. I received the grades from the semester and was overjoyed about what team me and God could do. Then I started doing a lot. Black law student Moot court, judicial interviews, live streaming as a gamer, taking Japanese language learning classes , and working parttime at my old job again. I was so focused on running the race of law school and stuntin’ on folks that I dropped out church staff, and quite frankly out of church. It started with one Sunday and then before I knew it I had told myself that God could meet me where I was At… in the campus library.
Somehow getting good grades increased my anxiety instead of reassuring me and calming me down. Then I found out that I got none of the summer internships I had interviewed for. none. Zero. I failed miserably at moot court. Barely being able to get words out of my mouth despite having rehearsed and practiced and agonized over it.
And i thought about a sermon my pastor preached at our church staff night gathering about digging another well. I don’t even remember which dude in the Old Testament it was about. But I do remember that this guy had to build more than two wells. The first one was taken from him. The second one people wanted to fight him for it and he just gave it to them and went somewhere else and dug another one. I need to dig another well in the face of all this opposition.
I cannot tell you how frustrating being me in law school is. Being black, being a woman, being a rape survivor, being a Christian, being in recovery… being all the me’s that I am. But not once have I ever thought I didn’t belong here. When people want to give me microagressions, and try to psych me out, it makes me upset but not deterred. I know God sent me here. That is a fundamental fact of my life. The spirit of the Lord annoited me for this particular task and this particular purpose… to set captives free. However, The first captive that needs to be free is me.
That was the message I got when I had a flashback to a traumatic memory right before my first round of moot court. That if I don’t have a strong relationship with God, I will fear man. And I do fear man. All the time. The life experiences I have make me never ever want to leave the house. I’ve considered it thoughtfully. I could work and go to school and have groceries delivered. It is possible to never have to physically leave. But that’s not God’s will for me. If I’m going to break people out of chains, the first prisoner that needs to be loosed is me.