A lot has happened. I finished my first year of law school. I turned thirty one years old. I got incredibly sick. What I really want to discuss is something someone said to me a couple months ago. I won’t say her name in case she reads this. She hinted really strongly that I wouldn’t be a good lawyer, or wife or a mom or anything I wanted if I didn’t want to obey God. I was so offended that I stopped going to church and resigned from church staff. I couldn’t really imagine my life or my identity without this piece of myself, a very expensive, hard fought and very entrenched piece of myself that I knew God was strongly urging me to let go of. I heard it in every sermon, even sermons that had nothing to do with it.
Three days ago, I really heard what my friend had said months ago. It finally got inside my ears and my heart. I cannot receive the fullness of the blessing, I cannot walk the path God has for me, I cannot become who he’s called me to be while holding onto garbage as a piece of my identity.
I may still end up a lawyer. I might still manage to take a man hostage as a husband. But it wont be the marriage in God’s plan and I wouldn’t be the lawyer intended, just a makeshift version.
So Last night around ten pm, I decided I was going to trust God with this. I’m not saying that’s it, I’m cured because I’m totally not. This is probably going to be harder to give up than alcohol and self-harm but I’ve already seen the goodness of God and I am eager for him to finish what he started.