So I’m reading one of the YouVersion Bible App’s plans (the one called Tailored Dreams), and Day 3 kicked me in the face. Not literally, of course. I cannot really accurately describe how it kicked me in the face so I will just paste the devotional content below in bold and my reactions, answers and questions in italics:

“I was designed for this!”
You created my inmost being. What a statement, what a concept, to think that even your innermost parts, thoughts, emotions, feelings, likes, and dislikes were all created by God, and all have a purpose. You were created to go through the things you go through. You were selected to be exactly who you are. God took his time in creating you, and he took care in making you. ( I was created to go through the things I go through. Um… physical and sexual abuse? severe mental illness? chronic physical illness? I’m pretty sure I’m misunderstanding this. Let me keep reading)
God considered everything you would encounter and equipped you with all you need to not just survive but to thrive.  ( I have been told by others that if they went through even half of my life experiences they wouldn’t be here. Maybe God did know when he created me that I would experience all this stuff. But Wait. Aren’t some of the things I’ve been through negative consequences from choices I made. How does that make any sense?)He knit you together, stitched every part of your life together for his glory before you ever left your mother’s womb. ( Yadi-yah yeah I know Psalm 139:13) That sickness you have that no other young person has to deal with, that relative that did that horrible thing to you , that bully, or that heartbreak you suffered is not the end of your story.  (Yeah , yeah, I’m still alive and He’s not finished with me yet, What are you Brandon Heath?)

It’s not even a climatic point. (Wow. Really?)
Your trials do not mean that God is punishing you. You will make it through this. You are loved ( I RECEIVE THAT) , you are capable (The jury is out on that one), and you will survive. God has faith in you. Yes, I said God has faith in you. ( I receive that too. God is for me)
He knows that as hard as this is, as difficult as it is to understand you are more than the sum total of your hard times, you are bigger than your mistakes, and you are NOT a mistake. You are an intentional being created by an intentional God, and every tear is watering an intended harvest. ( Wow. that’s crazy) Do not let circumstances make you believe that God has passed you by or that he has circumvented your purpose.
We may even at times get mad at God because it just doesn’t make sense. ( YES. I don’t get it and I’m a little upset)Why did this have to happen like this? Why did I have to endure this kind of pain? But there is a blessing in every storm. There is a lesson, something we learn—we begin to learn that it doesn’t have to make sense for God to make it alright. 

To begin to create your design, close your eyes and answer these questions:
1. What parts of my life am I having trouble finding purpose in? The sexual trauma part
2. What am I mad at God about? Do you want the list? Injustice in the world, specifically Rape, Human trafficking, all the sexual stuff
3. What am I “faithing” and what am I fearing? I am “faithing”that there will be a better ending to my story than what I can think of or even conceive. I am fearing that I will just languish in PTSD and never heal. 

Think through the “head, heart, and legs” for each item.
Head – What will I need to feed my mind in order to accomplish these tasks? I have no clue. I know that I am surrounding myself with friends who prophesy good things over me and help me limit crazy self talk. I also read the Bible daily ( corny I know), usually with Hillsong or Elevation Worship playing in the background ( Yes, I’m so cheesy)
Heart – How will I build up resilience to be able to maintain emotional strength? No idea.
Legs – What habits will I need to form in order to accomplish these tasks?  Also, No clue.

Dear Reader,

I hope you’ve survived reading my inner monologue and now understand what I mean by kicked in the face. If you have any comments that may be helpful and NOT HARMFUL or suggestions for my spiritual growth and general wellness I would love to hear them. Also, Don’t worry I’m in therapy and attend church faithfully.  I am really struggling with the ideas presented in this devotional and I read it three days ago. How could I be designed by a loving God for the shitshow ( excuse my language) that was my life?

The devotional ended with a prayer starter:

Prayer starter
God, thank you for all that you have done for me. Thank you for predestining me to be conformed to the image of your son. Thank you for writing my ending before my beginning. I exalt you and believe that your design is flawless because it is impossible for you to fail. I decree and declare my freedom from insecurity.

God, I’m afraid. I think that a lot of people around me are waiting for me to fail. I have begun to doubt that I am capable of anything, including little things like providing for my sustenance. I know you said that the lilies of the field and whatever don’t worry about food and clothes but I’m worried. I am also worried about my ability to function as a normal person. I used to think I was half a person, that I was lacking in the things needed to survive in the world. Today I know that you created a whole person with all 64 crayons in her Crayon box. That I was created in your image. There is no lack. Please help me to remember this every single day. In Jesus’ Name. AMEN.