Christian Blog: Irrevocably Beloved

For Jesus And For The Culture. . .Being Black, Christian and a Millennial In America

Underfunded

This is a response to a transformation church message. Here’s a link to the message

 

I’ve been feeling out of my depth for a while now. I was definitely called by God. I have no doubt that I am supposed to be here. That is no question. However, I don’t have the resources to be a law student. I don’t have the fiscal resources or the emotional bandwidth or the social skills.

I wake up. I study. I go to class. I get rejected from jobs. I can’t be rehired from the part time job I left. I have a low overheard (only phone bill and internet) so I wasn’t too worried. But today when I saw my 65 dollar bank balance, I got discouraged. Probably because my phone bill is 75 and I just started laughing.

God cannot bless who I pretend to be. He can only bless a real person.  I am jealous. I look around and I see fancy notebooks and bookstands. I look down at the binder  and folders and notebooks I got from the 99cent store and I’m like I don’t know if this is going to go well.

I am writing this lying on the floor underneath a table in a library study room. I was going to take a nap but I’m filled with worry. God has planted me here at this school for his own purposes and his own glory. But  I’m worried God will not come through. But on the other hand, he already has. How I even got here is impossible and implausible even to me so of course he can do exceedingly and abundantly more.

wounds

I think I’m feeling something close to despair. I know that God is good. That He is faithful. That those things are facts independent of my feelings. However, I feel wrecked. I feel abandoned. I feel like everyone I ever trusted was untrustworthy … like even myself I can’t even trust my own judgement. Like I need to second guess everything. Like I am the cause of all disaster. That there is something fundamentally wrong with me which makes me have to endure a lot.

And then I heard the story of David again on Sunday. David had some serious drama. He was called in from tending some sheep and just got anointed to be King out of nowhere. He was the last of a line of sons. He wasn’t going to inherit anything. And God messed up the plan. God showed up and messed up the status quo. The things ..that were just the way they were. That weren’t supposed to change.

And later on  David becomes public enemy number one. King Saul plots to kill him because Saul is jealous of him even though David hasn’t really tried to do anything but live his life and mind his own business.David then runs and hides in a cave. Pastor Filmore says something that stabs me straight in the heart at this point of the sermon. He says David didn’t do anything at this point. His suffering is a direct result of his saying yes to God’s call.  I cannot tell you that I heard anything else in the sermon  after the phrase ” don’t waste your cave” cuz I was stunned.

David is the same dude that became an adulterer and a murderer and redeemed and became a man after God’s heart. If it was at any other part of the story, there would have been some contributory negligence. David would have done something to contribute to the harm he was suffering. But at this point, David is just being David. He hasn’t committed some heinous sin. He hasn’t done anything and yet he still suffers.  Pastor Filmore’s suggestion that David learned everything he needed to know in the future from his cave experience made me angry. I cannot say I took that well.

I think I wanted to believe in something cushy and sunny. I think I thought that giving my life to Christ would be unbelievably amazing 24/7. I did not know that there was suffering involved. I did not know that I would be awake late at night crying and crying out to God because plan a, plan b, plan c, plan d… just nothing worked out. I didn’t really know that when I said yes to Jesus, it wasn’t just for the mountaintop but the valley too.

And God is for me and with me…even if I don’t feel like he is. When there’s no tangible irrefutable evidence that God is for me… I still hold onto that belief with such a tight grip that my hands are probably bleeding.

adult alone backlit dark

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