Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief” (Psalm 31:9, NIV)
I don’t really have anything elegant or quippy to say. I spent the past half hour scream-pray-singing “take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul, he’s in the waiting, he’s never failing.” There is a point where fear has to face the God you know.
What are my fears?
-primarily I’m high risk and preoccupied with thinking I’m gonna die from Covid
-my trauma history means I also often think of things happening to me again
-of not graduating
-of not passing the bar exam
-of not becoming a public defender
-of passing the bar on the first try
Who is the God I know?
-the God of rescue. Who has allowed me to live so many extra years…
-healer Who has allowed my lung function to recover
-friend who is sometimes the only one I can count on
-consistent doesn’t switch up his style or his look or his layout on me
-the God of final exams, who has brought to my memory obscure facts that made the difference in points
-the God of redemption who has given me purpose and made my life have meaning.
I can live with confidence that God goes before me but at the same time I struck with how do I know almost double digits of people who have died in past year. I am struck with the loss of the way things used to be. I am struck by the value those people gave the world and the knowlege that I do not yet bring anything to the table but enthusiasm. You say that you’re “close to the brokenhearted and [You rescue] those whose spirits are crushed” (Psalm 34:18, NLT). I’m not sure which I am right now or how to characterize what I’m feeling but I know that the Spirit intercedes on my behalf with utterings and groanings that I do not know. I can do my work today and the next right thing because I know who holds tommorow, even though I havent the faintest idea what lies ahead.