I realize that I told you about the first time I took the bar exam. And then right after it, the blog dropped off. The truth is I failed the February 2021 bar exam by 13 points. That’s the honest truth. But God loves a good comeback story. I passed the July 2021 bar exam with ironically 13 more points than necessary to practice in any UBE Jurisdiction. You cannot tell me that God isn’t a poet.
The Bar exam for me has become more than just a mountain I’ve had to overcome, but something I really know a lot about. I have been giving time to help others overcome this hurdle, much like someone who graduated the year before me, did for me. She always answered my texts and calls. She had solid resources and advice to share. I think I grew through the challenge of failing the bar exam but more importantly, I realized the importance of reaching back to help others.
I’m reminded of the story of Jonathan and David. Jonathan’s dad was Saul, the same King that was actively trying to kill David. Jonathan had no reason to help David. Jonathan had no reason to support David. Jonathan could have been like okay um I’m staying out of this. Much in the same way, when people reach out to me for help with law school or the bar exam as a new lawyer I could easily be like umm. I don’t think I have time to help or I’m staying out of this. Jonathan did not only — not stay out of it—but he actually got involved. He pledged his allegiance to David being the next King, recognizing that this meant Jonathan himself was not going to inherit the throne. CRAZY. That story is just wild. God be wildin’ out sometimes.
Much in the same way, I think we are called to wild out on behalf of God. Sometimes we can help, in easy ways. I know when I studied for the bar exam, I got random food deliveries from lawyers from Twitter. I got letters of encouragement, sometimes with a check. I know I checked in with someone daily and another person weekly to hold me accountable for the hours I said I was going to study. I was encouraged and I was nurtured. AND THAT’S THROUGH TWO STRAIGHT BAR EXAMS. So whatever I can do to help, I do. God’s comeback story is also a Sankofa story— I’m to go back and get anyone I left behind.
I did this thing. It’s an intensive art/ movement/ talk therapy thing for women who have been sexually assaulted. I did this thing. Emphasis on the I. I didn’t consult anyone before I did it. I didn’t ask God for his opinion. I said to myself I’m going to do this thing and I’m going fast track my recovery and I messed up…
To top it off I got physically sick around the end and now I’m sitting here … pale, ten whole pounds lighter. I’ve missed work. I’ve missed school. Just two days of work and school but still. That’s enough to start a spiral of negative thinking and start digging a grave for my dreams.Cuz that’s what I do. I dig graves for dreams.
There’s alot people don’t know about dreams. But yes they do fester like a sore. I wanted to be concert pianist. I played the piano from the time I was five. And I was really good. Until at fourteen a teacher berated me and got me to give it up. But I didn’t give it up completely because I joined my high school band. After vowing I would never touch piano, I picked up the flute and I was brilliant. It was odd because I had severe asthma and the band director wasn’t sure I should play it but I saw it and I said nope. I’m going to play that. And I was really good. Until I was assaulted. A gang member assaulted me and promised me more harm to my person if they were to ever catch me alone. But I was always alone especially on my way home after ten pm from band practice. I quit band the next day. It was as simple as that. I was constantly talking about how I couldn’t wait to be a senior so I could be drum majorette. I finally got the opportunity and I couldn’t.
I then took up art fervently. I don’t think the art teacher ever saw that kind of devotion before. She thought maybe I should go to art school. I graduated with a strong portfolio that I sold off within the two weeks after graduating. I said no. I’d already reached my quota on dreams. In the background of all this, alot of not-good things are happening. Quite simply, I didn’t want to go to college. What would be the point? My high school counselor locked me in her office to make me fill out something. Out of spite, I filled out the Harvard Spring Application and the NYU fall application. Surely I wouldn’t get in. And I did. On both counts.
And that resurrected hope… which died when my friend Jerry died in a gang shooting on my second day of class. I wanted to be an author. I wanted to be an editor. Those are buried in the graveyard now. And I’m really good at editing. I edited someone’s work and he said he’s never seen an editor examine the intent behind words and their usage like that before. But being talented doesn’t feed people.
So I’ve come to the end of myself and I’ve found that being broken, being absolutely physically and emotionally sick doesn’t make me less christian. Somehow it makes me more. I’ve come under some scrutiny for having so few desires, for not wanting things. But I’m all tapped out.
However, I serve a God with unlimited resources. In my twelve step recovery book there’s a passage that says “when the hand of God seemed heavy or even unjust, new lessons for living were learned, new resources of courage were uncovered, and that finally, inescapably, the conviction came that God does ‘move in a mysterious way His wonders to perform.’”
I read this paragraph a lot. I’m waiting for new resources of courage to be uncovered and to see his wonders.
I took the February Law School Admissions Test (LSAT). The whole process was really exciting and overwhelming. I self-studied and then took an intensive course. It was no joke. Just because God guides you towards a field and a harvest doesn’t mean he isn’t going to ask you to pick up a hoe. Don’t live your life like you’re Harry Potter… Waiting on something magical to happen. Nah I’m already adored, favored and annoited. I don’t need a letter from Hogwarts to begin my life. It is so true that when we are secure in our identity ( as a son or daughter of God), a whole host of things begin to happen. Everything doesn’t seem like an exercise in futility. All of a sudden, tying your shoes and washing the dishes can have purpose. God is interested in it all. God is for you in every area.
This is particularly challenging to me because I was always thought that God wasn’t really that interested in me. I knew I needed saving. I knew something, anything needed to happen. Quite frankly, I was accustomed to rolling around in the pig pen because I thought I was a pig. I figured worse comes to worse, someone would come along and clean me up and straighten me up a little bit and I’d get a cleaner pig posse. The whole idea that God isn’t about behavior modification but about heart transformation is still really jarring to me. The fact that he is interested in my comings and goings is surprising. The fact that I don’t have to wait for some rando but I’ve already been accepted by a loving father is too deep for words. God has not forgotten me… he is all up In my business. I am his business.
Hi y’all I really struggled with the idea of starting a christian-themed blog. I have had eight different blogs. I have written good pieces, not-so-good pieces, and morally questionable pieces. I wondered if I should do this under a different name. But God is redeeming all of me, the whole story, not just part of it. So in spite of and because of where I’ve been I have to say that my truth is more about how God loved me than anything else. I have two degrees in creative writing and I always knew I would be a writer. I didn’t think I would write for Jesus because quite frankly I didn’t think of that as a constructive use of my time. I learned just this weekend that “building the Kingdom” is not extra work, It’s my primary purpose as a daughter. Regards, Sarah
