This is a response to a transformation church message. Here’s a link to the message
I’ve been feeling out of my depth for a while now. I was definitely called by God. I have no doubt that I am supposed to be here. That is no question. However, I don’t have the resources to be a law student. I don’t have the fiscal resources or the emotional bandwidth or the social skills.
I wake up. I study. I go to class. I get rejected from jobs. I can’t be rehired from the part time job I left. I have a low overheard (only phone bill and internet) so I wasn’t too worried. But today when I saw my 65 dollar bank balance, I got discouraged. Probably because my phone bill is 75 and I just started laughing.
God cannot bless who I pretend to be. He can only bless a real person. I am jealous. I look around and I see fancy notebooks and bookstands. I look down at the binder and folders and notebooks I got from the 99cent store and I’m like I don’t know if this is going to go well.
I am writing this lying on the floor underneath a table in a library study room. I was going to take a nap but I’m filled with worry. God has planted me here at this school for his own purposes and his own glory. But I’m worried God will not come through. But on the other hand, he already has. How I even got here is impossible and implausible even to me so of course he can do exceedingly and abundantly more.
Remember how I said I got a full scholarship to law school. I omitted a few details. It wasn’t the school I had my heart set on going to. It wasn’t the school I prayed over and visited and acted like I was already attending. When I got that full scholarship, I was devastated that it wasn’t from my dream school. I said well. I’m a practical person and I just have to accept it. I sent an email to the admissions of dream school and asked them to raise the scholarship they gave me. They wrote back no, they cannot. They said that this year’s applicants were very exceptional and that they had no more money to offer me. I said ok, I will not be attending your school.
I spent a total of two days mourning over it. I moved on. I accepted the other school’s offer. Two weeks passed. I sat through a whole orientation like day and got a thermos with the school’s name on it. I was ready to attend the school. After the orientation-ish day, I am sitting at Think Coffee going over all the papers I received from this school when I get a phone call from an unsaved number. I answer it. Hi this is so and so from YOUR DREAM Law School. I know I said two weeks ago that we could not increase your scholarship. We have re-evaluated our budget and have decided to match your full scholarship.
I was upset. I was downright angry. God heard me. He knows the desires of your heart. However, I was already technically registered at Plan B school. I explain that I’ve already paid seat deposits and sat through admitted students day and given immunization records etc etc. The admissions counselor goes ” Well I hope this makes your decision harder”. I do not know if I had the wherewithal to politely excuse myself or if I just hung up. It was a Friday afternoon. There was nothing I could do about it now. I had signed paperwork and paid fees. I called my brother, my father, my bible-study leader, a member of my prayer posse, and my boyfriend.
People were like: this is good news. You got what you wanted. What’s the problem? The problem was the timing. Two weeks before, if God had said hey here’s two full scholarships. This school has the international human rights program you want, pick this one. It would’ve been no problem. But I had already crestfallenly made other plans and put my hands to the plow. From my perspective, it was too late. I already had a new plan. Down to the hourly calendar.
On Monday morning, I started making calls to undo all the work I had done on this other plan. The dean of the other school got on the phone with me and personally tried to talk me out of withdrawing but after I told him the decision was made, he informed me that I was forfeiting the deposit because “there is no refund.” However, the elation I felt when I got off the phone is hard to explain. When your plans and God’s plans align, you can’t make it up. I’m not crazy. God is real. His power is tangible. It’s not something I came up with.
I took the February Law School Admissions Test (LSAT). The whole process was really exciting and overwhelming. I self-studied and then took an intensive course. It was no joke. Just because God guides you towards a field and a harvest doesn’t mean he isn’t going to ask you to pick up a hoe. Don’t live your life like you’re Harry Potter… Waiting on something magical to happen. Nah I’m already adored, favored and annoited. I don’t need a letter from Hogwarts to begin my life. It is so true that when we are secure in our identity ( as a son or daughter of God), a whole host of things begin to happen. Everything doesn’t seem like an exercise in futility. All of a sudden, tying your shoes and washing the dishes can have purpose. God is interested in it all. God is for you in every area.
This is particularly challenging to me because I was always thought that God wasn’t really that interested in me. I knew I needed saving. I knew something, anything needed to happen. Quite frankly, I was accustomed to rolling around in the pig pen because I thought I was a pig. I figured worse comes to worse, someone would come along and clean me up and straighten me up a little bit and I’d get a cleaner pig posse. The whole idea that God isn’t about behavior modification but about heart transformation is still really jarring to me. The fact that he is interested in my comings and goings is surprising. The fact that I don’t have to wait for some rando but I’ve already been accepted by a loving father is too deep for words. God has not forgotten me… he is all up In my business. I am his business.